if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.