The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.