I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.