Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.