I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
According to math, I’m broke
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.