I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.