Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.