My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.