When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.