I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.