If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.