I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.