My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,