I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Can Happiness buy money?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years