“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips