I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My blood type is coffee.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.