The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?