My blood type is coffee.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.