My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.