Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.