Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it