Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.