Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one