Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single