After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…