Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.