Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My blood type is coffee.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.