If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.