I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.