The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”