Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.