I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.