Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?