The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.