I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.