Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.