Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house