Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.