I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.