Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….