Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.