Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.