According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.