My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.