Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.