Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!