My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I wish all tests were things you peed on