I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.