So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.