What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.