“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.